Discontentment.

Im not you

I’m everything you are not. Why am I trying so hard to be aligned with you when you don’t even try to adapt to me? Everything about you is so self righteous and morally right, and in your eyes, the way of my life is everything but naught.

I’m not you, and I don’t expect you to become me. What I want is some form of mutual respect between our lives. I have never dissed your way of life and I hope you will respect our differences too. Ethnocentric thinking will not get one anything.

Somehow feel that I’ve no private space at all. Fb is filled with work colleagues, Twitter is getting invaded by assholes and soon to be by colleagues, bf doesn’t care, wordpress read by some lurkers..

Sigh. I have so much to say, but no where to say.

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Rewrite.

This post was full of nonsensical shit.

Beat it.

Although I don’t feel justified, I guess this opportunity is really out to test my ability and threshold.

Being thrown into a flurry of half fucked projects, struggling with school, trying to have a social life. I feel like I’m living a double life. It’s tough, I don’t deny it. However, I need to know how much I can tolerate; where my ability is at now?

Those who don’t understand my line of job should just not say anything. I’d very much like to see how you juggle expectations of various parties at one time while they are in the midst of screwing you. At times, even your colleagues step in to fuck your life.

So my conclusion is – only rely on thyself. Depending on others for answers means that your job is lying in that person’s clench. And at a whim, he may very well just decide to destroy you.

On the train

So I’m in the train now with jostling people. With this stupid women looking over at my screen. Gave her a glare..

It has been 5 months now into my new life. Apprehensive at first.. Slow and clumsy just like a baby making new steps, but yet steady after some practice. Not much has been missed.. Just trying to juggle my overloaded work with studies. I guess that I’m a really lucky person. So far everything has been smooth sailing.

They once told me: go for the work you’re passionate in. Chase your dreams.

No doubt many people would like to do that.. But is it really feasible here? Singapore is so small, our markets are tiny. Usually dreams are obscure and really unique stuff, how are we going to achieve them here? How many people in Singapore really gotten their dreamjob?

I don’t know if this cut throat industry is really for me. Heck, I don’t have any goals. I’ll just fit in whatever that comes. Although admittedly, I’ve been receiving compliments that I’m a fast learner.. But that’s with the sacrifice of my social life.. (not that I really mind). With that, I realised something. Always do the stuff that you have flair in – for 10 years down the road, you’ll be doing mundane, routined work. Only if u excel in your stuff at work, then u have a chance of promotion.

Contradictory enough, my company is paying me peanuts for the shitload of work I’m doing. I just don’t understand, why can’t they just increase a measly hundred to secure your employees’ motivation? A 100 for welfare, happiness and better work? Seems like it’s worth?

Embrace changes.

No point longing for the past ain’t it? No matter how fond the memories are, no matter how hard we try to set things back, life ain’t gonna rewind at all. I’ve been living in regret for the past few years, and recently it just got worst. I made so many mistakes, wasted so many years, almost ruined my future while at it. I tend to make decisions on a whim without thinking ahead. Over the years, my thinking mature and naturally I weigh and value my life more. Till now, I’m constantly trying to set my life back on the right track.

It seems that when we grow up, priorities shift. I can’t be bothered to find the perfect romance anymore. I became less socially active. For now, I’m gonna put my studies and career first. Others can wait.  I have a couple of months more before I exchange 3 years of my relaxation and social time away for greater heights. And I’m gonna make it worthwhile.

Double standard.

As magnanimous or big heartedness I may get, I may sprout a lot of nonsense that puts me in a good light. I find myself being double standard and dumb. I can dutifully advise amongst friends all those long theory bullshits that are of no doubt, sensible and succint. However, I can’t do it myself. It’s so stupid, I don’t think I have any rights.

I may say I only want to hear a honest explaination, I only want to hear why. Well, I do want those, but it ain’t only. I asked myself this, Jessica, even if you heard the explaination, are you ready to accept it in your constricted heart? Honestly, I thought no. At the very best, I may grit my teeth and see it through. Then there will come a point that I cant stand it again, rinse and repeat. I guess afterall, I am not such a big hearted and holy person to be able to be perfect for my friends. I can’t be a shock absorber, all I can offer, is my utmost loyalty and sincerity.

It takes a bit of discipline, a bit of courage, a bit of a big heart and a bit of initiative to do it. Of all, this is as far as I go.

Usurped.

How I envy people who don’t get carried away by the society and it’s demands. People who continue to believe and pursue their dreams. Be a dancer, singer, artisan, composer, and many other non mainstream work. These are the jobs where either you make it big, or don’t make it at all. With so much risks, they still go up head strong and passionate about it. Logically speaking, you can’t do it here, not in Singapore. If you can do it, it’s either you have financial backing, or raised in a family of that particular art.

So much so, my dreams includes words like dolly, track, pan and most often, cut. Yes, a producer/director in films. I was passionate about it, I thought I had flair as I realise I’m more inclined towards pictures than words. I could picture a production and create more while at it. With so much confidence and flair, you may ask, why not go for it?

You see, my dear. Given my current financial status, all I can is to have an iron rice bowl to secure my future. Of all the media skills I was taught, I chose the most versatile, more demanded, secure job. Besides, Singapore doesn’t have a film studies degree course that I could enter, and I can never afford overseas. Somehow, I still find myself caught up with film making at times..

Oh well, that’s that. If I can’t do what I’d loved to do, the only way I can redeem myself is making it big in whatever job I may take on. Make it big, be ambitious and be power hungry.